It’s been almost three months since my mother passed away. I haven’t written anything here in a long time. I have a thousand thoughts going through my mind and at the same time I don’t know what to say…
One of the biggest mysteries we are faced as human beings is death. When? Where? How? No matter how hard we try we don’t really ever know the answer to these questions. We see young people being torn out of live far too early. We see old people being unable to leave their sick and suffering bodies behind. There is no logic to what we call death. None that we understand anyway. Just because I’m older than you are doesn’t mean that I will die first. Just because you lead a healthy life doesn’t mean you get to bargain at the portal saying: Hey look, I followed all the rules so send me back…!
We think the natural order is that we are born, live a long and more or less healthy life and die when we’re old and tired. But is that truly the mark of a fulfilled life? What about the many Great Souls who came to earth to share their vision of love, healing and knowledge and left once their mission was completed? Neither Jesus nor Buddha walked among us for many years.
Nothing in life is certain except that one day we have to leave this body behind. Death is the only certainty we can hang on to. But instead of this fact giving us comfort it scares us. We try not to think about it because being aware of our mortality all the time is suffocating. We either become depressed or reckless. Seldom inspired and able to focus on what is truly important.
We know that spirituality is as much a science as it is a “way of life”. It follows certain laws. Unseen but never the less active and impacting us. The ancient Egyptian and Tibetan Book of Death give instructions to the soul for the moment of death. We focus much of our attention on living well. But what if there’s such as thing as dying well?
Some people say you die the way you lived. The biggest accomplishment is to die easy, maybe even in your sleep. Just softly and peacefully passing over to the other side.
My mother’s passing wasn’t all that easy and peaceful. It was actually hard work. Spending a lot of time beside her I was able to see that it was really a process. A process of saying goodbye and letting go. From the outside it may have looked like she suffered but – if I may say so – what we see from the outside and what goes on on the inside, on a soul level might be two very different things. She wasn’t in pain – till the end. Which I am very thankful for. She didn’t have to take any painkillers and was able to move on clear and alert.
At one point my mum said: I didn’t know that dying is so hard. It nearly broke my heart when she said that. But later I realized, yes, it is hard. When you do it right. When you do it with a certain level of consciousness. It takes effort and energy and strength for the soul to peal itself out of the shell that it inhabited for so many years. If you look at birth (and ask any woman who has ever given birth) it is also a process. It is also work. It takes strength and endurance. Why should death, the reverse of birth, be any different?
I think while we saw my mum slowly drifting away from us a lot happened for her. I think she was able to work through so many layers of emotions and thoughts while she was lying in that hospital bed. So that when the time came she was able to pass over to the other side with a certain ease and walk into the light.
Seeing somebody dying changes you. Seeing your mother dying definitely changes you. Telling her that you let her go because you love her so much. Telling her that it is ok for her to go. That you will be ok – more than that. Not just ok but great – again. One day in the not so far future. Telling her that she was guided and protected by so many Angels and Beings of Light that there was nothing to be afraid of. It changes you. Seeing her walking into the light, walking with her to the point of no return where she goes on and you go back. It changes you forever. At the end I even let go of her hand saying: See? I let you go. Seeing her taking her last breaths – these moments are burnt into my memory, into my soul forever.
They say death is a moment of opportunity for the soul. It’s a moment of initiation. I believe, being present when somebody takes that opportunity is also a moment of initiation. Or understanding. I realized not only abstractly but with every fiber of my being that we truly are souls that inhibit a body for a certain amount of time. And then, when time comes, that soul leaves that body again. The body falls apart but the life, the essence that dwelled in that body lives on. I have not a shed of doubt about that in my mind. I saw it. I experienced it. And I believe that’s the secret. The secret is to connect to the source, to the essence and allow for the experience of immortality exactly in that moment.
I consider myself very honored and blessed having been there with my mother when she left her physical body. Even more so when I heard afterwards that many patients actually die when their relatives leave the room – to get a cup of coffee or make a phone call. Instinctively they know that their loved ones could not bear to let them go, that they would try to hold them back. I was allowed to be there. And I cheered her on. You can just go now. You can just let go. All is well. There’s nothing to be scared of. All is well. Just let go…
And when I realized that she really had taken her last breath all I could think was: You made it! Mum, you really really made it! I am so proud of you! I’ve seen her struggle. I’ve seen her fight. I’ve seen her go through the process. I felt the liberation. And I really was so happy for her.
We are afraid of death but the truth is in that moment there was no fear. There was no desperation. There was only love. And light. But foremost an intense all-encompassing love. I’ve never felt so safe.
I understood for the first time that the essence of the universe is truly love. All creation is love. I understand that now. Not only intellectually but with my entire being.
Of course the sadness came afterwards. The whole in my heart and my life that the absence of my mother has torn I feel it. Every day. But whenever I get sad I think back to that moment, to that feeling and I know that my mother is doing ok. Actually more than ok – she’s doing great! I know that she is very alive and her journey to perfection, back to the source is continuing. Just as much as mine is.
